Going Bust

I do love Camilla Long’s Sunday column in Style magazine. (See blog entitled ‘Tits’ from 2013). I am thrilled to see that her longstanding fascination with mammary glands has not abated. Last Sunday’s column , My cups runneth over, was a witty account of her bursting the seams of a swimming costume in the changing rooms of those esteemed Royal Curators of luxury lingerie, Rigby and Peller.

I do wish I could write like her. What’s that Oscar? A Wildean whisper in my ear ‘You will, one day, my dear, you will.’

Her story reminds me of my own experience of shoving my double D’s into a racy, lacy little number in their posh emporium in Knightsbridge. I went with my friend Mandy, whose G-inormous tits put mine and, I reckon, Camilla’s in the shade. At her lactating largest Mandy was a G cup, or was it a J? I know this because my inebriated, impertinent husband actually asked her at a party once. Mandy, even more pissed, told him.

So there we were, in adjoining cubicles, having our boobs measured and fitted.

There was a problem. Next door I heard Mandy’s voice, higher pitched and more strangulated than normal,

‘HOOw much? But my friend said ...’

I had given her a ball- park figure of the cost of couturier undergarments, but I am, I admit, rather vague about such things. The fitter left to rummage in their cheaper range.

‘When I get out of here I’m going to kill you.’

‘Yes, um, sorry, but does it fit?’

‘Yes it does and fit is what my husband will have if I ever tell him the price, which I won’t.’

I bought two bras, Mandy just the one. To cut the ice at the till I innocently enquired, in my broadest Welsh accent, as to what size was their most famous client, Her Maj. The ensuing stony look and silence from the professional bra fitter was a perfect match to Mandy’s face.

Safely outside I asked her how the fitter had finally persuaded her to buy.

‘She realised you’d told me a pack of lies about the price. I asked if a bra with less material would be less expensive. She replied,- ’

” Madam, with a bosom of your proportion, Madam would need all the support she can get.”