We travelled all the way up to the Arctic Circle
and didn’t see them. Not even a flicker! What a disappointment!
Ah well, we did see and do other things in the
middle of nowhere- a town on the Finnish/Swedish border, surrounded by forests
and deep snow.
Kitted out in the hotel’s specialist (two weeks
ago it was minus 40 here) red and black ski outfits we explored the place in
the only greylight hours between 10.30 and 2.30. It was like a ghost town. Sad
syndrome is a serious business here – perhaps all the natives were indoors,
huddled around their SAD therapy lights, desperately trying to get happy. Apart
from a couple of cars and big oil tankers the only people we saw were other
hotel guests, in identical outfits, muffled up with only eyes visible.
It was as though the place had been
invaded by us aliens shuffling stiffly along.’ What are those animal prints in
the snow’, I asked, ‘wolves’? ‘Don’t be ridiculous’ answered my husband but I
insisted on going back.
The guides got used to my questions, mainly
about predators, which include brown bears, vicious wolverines, which jump from
the trees and kill the reindeer, eagles and arctic foxes. Moose generally run
away unless they collide into your car, in which case, definitely the Moose,
and possibly driver, are both goners. The car is nearly always a
write-off as it gets hit by something weighing upward of 700 kilos A few years
ago a lone wolf attacked children at the school bus stop, ‘but he was found and
shot’. I restrained myself from asking ‘how did they know it was the right
one’?
We’d signed up for some trips but hadn’t read
the small print. I had visions of myself, wrapped in furs, like some snow
queen, being pulled along in some ornate carriage. That is, until we arrived at
the husky dog farm. We had the safety talk about the forthcoming ride. I was
definitely going to be the passenger and husband could stand and steer and
pretend he’s Shackleton.’ If you fall, whatever you do, hold on to the wooden
handle and if the passenger’s lost the driver she must stay in the sled. The
dogs know where they’re going, but you don’t. Never let your dog team overtake
the other teams, as they pass they could urinate on the passenger and worse,
anybody know what else could happen? My hand shot up, (I’d read Jack London’s White Fang)’They
fight’. Yes, apparently dogs, just like humans, are individuals with different
characters and have their likes and dislikes when it comes to other dogs.
We went to our sleds; ours was no five out of
six. The deafening din of barking from snarling dogs, desperate to start
running, was unbelievable. Our lead dog was a beautiful female with bright blue
eyes. At the back, nearest to me was a snarling brown husky, running on the
spot with his back arched. I dubbed him Psycho. The intelligent leaders are put
at the front and thicko strong ones at the back. Psycho was well placed.
Husband took his feet of the brake at the
given signal, and off we went. The G force from the dogs was quite something
but the instant we were moving they all fell utterly silent, just as we had
been told. Two minutes into the ride, to my horror, the dogs from sled 6 were
overtaking, ‘Tell him to brake, for God’s sake’ I yelled to my husband.
‘There’s nobody in it’ he wailed with a slight panic in his voice. I
instinctively grabbed on the handle of the passing sled and clung on for dear
life as my husband braked. The two teams of dogs looked surprised at each other
and were wondering what to do next when a guide, following on her snowmobile
came along, thanked me profusely for holding on to the sled and said ‘this is a
very tricky situation, in fact, quite dangerous’. Now that’s not what guides
are supposed to say, is it? When the Titanic went down the captain didn’t
frighten the passengers and the band played calmly on. The guides sorted it out
and thankfully no bloodbath ensued. Going around corners I involuntarily
clenched my buttocks into the turn – much more of this and I’d have a bum like
Kylie’s.
We, or rather the dogs, took a corner too fast.
Husband was a humanoid imprint in the soft snow, the sled overturned, with me
in it. The dogs stopped, turned round and just looked at us, I
swear Psycho sneered. No harm done, we righted ourselves, my reindeer skins now
nicely padded with snow and then, to add insult to injury, Psycho decided to
have a comfort stop whilst whizzing along.
Ever seen shit fly?
Well, I have. Oh for a turbo charged fan with
which to redirect and splatter the hound back with his own missiles. Back at
base camp we helped put the dogs, now calm and happy, in their canine Jekyll phase back
in their kennels. Husband, who previously would not have dreamed of putting his
groin within snapping distance, did as instructed and held the dog between his
legs before opening the kennel gate.Why were you so worried back there?’ I asked the guide. She
explained that our lead female dog hated the young females behind us and there
had been a real danger of a fight. I know that feeling. I went
through a similar diva stage in the upper sixth when I wanted to be
the disco queen.
In the Moose farm we were told to smell the fur
of the young friendly Moose- I did, it smelled of forest. My husband helpfully
pointed out to the man I’d asked to take a picture of me, ‘The Moose is on the
left’. How come Joanna Lumley still looked glam in her ski gear, and she saw the
Lights. It’s not fair.
‘Don’t touch their heads’ we were told at the
reindeer farm. ‘They don’t like it and may knock you with their antlers.’ After
a sedate reindeer ride we learned that the Sami people have 300 words for snow
and 400 words for reindeer. That’s a far more extensive vocabulary than I’ve heard
coming from many a yob on a Saturday night in Basingstoke.
Driving the snowmobiles was part of the package.
I took one look at the large powerful looking motorcycle on skis and flatly
refused. ‘You can ride pinion then’, my husband pointed out. ‘I’ve paid for
this and I’m damn well going to do it.’ ‘You’re going to drive that thing over
a frozen river!
You only qualified for your bus pass last week and now you’re doing James Bond
stunts’? Heavily insured, we did the ten kilometre ride in the dark which was
yet another buttock -clenching exercise.
We came home. I was disappointed not to have
seen the Lights.
Undaunted, like those Arctic explorers of old, I
went into my cold conservatory, pulled my new reindeer rug over my knees,
fished out White
Fang, plugged in the old lava lamp , gazed at its changing coloured clouds
and pretended....
